Getting lost in some Social Situations

Do you feel like you loose control, like you forget who you are in some or most of your social situations?

To me it’s just like if there were two different people in me; see in some social situations I feel confident, positive, and clear of whom I am. Other times I am totally lost, I forget who I am, I am scared, frightened, and anxious.

I think it has to do with the person or the group that is in front of me, if the person or group represents a threaten to me, and I feel there is in the person or group certain characteristics that reminds me of certain difficult situations of my childhood, like if I feel the people are mocking, contemptuous, sarcastic, etc; anything that reminds me of my childhood and the complicated relationships I had with others, then I immediately start feeling the symptoms of anxiety.

I keep saying to myself that in those moments I can’t forget who I am, I have to remember I am a good person, with rights, productive, responsible, committed, sensible, that deserves respect from the others, I keep saying to myself I have to remember all these good things about myself.

I just don’t know exactly what happens during those moments in my brain, it is just that something clicks inside of my head and there it is, the little child I was, vulnerable, weak, helpless, I feel so in danger like if something really bad is going to happen to me, it is a terrible fear, that is what social anxiety is, a terrible fear to social situations.

What is your experience? How do you react in these types of situations? How do you handle them?

My Social Life During Infancy

It's sad to think about my infancy, it was a difficult time, every time I think about it I realize that there were too many facts that drove me finally to be a socialy anxious person.

I am the oldest one of 3 brothers and an adopted sister. I was 5 years old when my first brother was born, so I was pretty much alone during these first five years, surrounded by adults: Mother, Father, Grandparents, Aunts, babysitters.

Just a few cousins of my age were part of my social life, my mother used to take me to their house, that was the only place I could stay, for some reason my mother thought I was ok there.

Each of us had always a function in the games, for example: My cousin John was usually the father (authority), my cousin Ann was always the mother, some times there was a couple more friends of my cousins with us, they would be their adults friends.

My role was always the son. I was usually beat up by them, assumed a passive role, and permitted every thing they said or else they would threaten not to play with me any more.

That is how I learned to establish relationships, I learned from the relationship with my mother that it was okay to be hurt by others, that the reason for me to be in life was to let others do with me what they wanted, I was an object of pleasure for everyone, that is how I assumed that my role in life.

So during my infancy at every game with any friends was the same situation, I was always the stupid kid, letting others do what they wanted, that was the only way I could have friends and be able to feel that I belonged to a group.

Uffff this is tough, is very painful to remember and to make conscious all these situations during my infancy. I asked myself, where were my parents that time? I really didn’t have anyone to protect me, or to show me the way to grow up in the world.

I know is good for me to let all these things come out, to be able to connect with the child I was, and let him come to me with all his emotions, maybe I can comfort him now, and tell him: It’s okay, nothing is going to happen to you anymore, nobody is going to hurt you again.

How were your relationships during your infancy with parents, family, friends? Can you connect any of these relationships with your social anxiety?

Again I excuse myself if somebody reads this blog, as you can tell English is not my first language but I try to do my best.

Born as a Child with Social Anxiety ?

Did you ever asked yourself what it was to be a child with SA? Can you recall it? Are we born with some type of Anxiety?

As I can recall, I was a “difficult child”, that’s what I was told, since the day of my birth, my mother had difficulties giving birth… I was too big, waited around 10 pounds; I was also a baby that had many problems adapting to eating and sleeping hours and was crying all the time.

I am not sure about my mother’s stage of mind during that time, haven’t asked her, but because of the way she treated me during my infancy (aggressiveness), I could tell she was really having lots of emotional problems, I still remember seeing her crying a lot of times at night, I didn’t know what was going on.

Anyways my point is to try to find out if we are born with some type of anxiety (genetic predisposition) or if it has to do with the upbringing and the relationship we establish with our first caretakers (parents). I believe in my case it had to do with both, but mostly because of the brutal education I received from my mother, if she would have been a calm mother, without the emotional problems she had, things would have been different.

I want to mention that I am writing this blog mostly as a healing process, I am looking for better ways to overcome my social anxiety (I refuse to call it “disorder”), it's a way for me to let things out. I have been feeling that sitting down to write about my emotions has helped me, it is relieving, it's a way to give a new order to my emotions.

Social Anxiety at 5 Years Old

I remember and associate many things from my infancy, when I was 5 years old I started to go to school, that was a very difficult time. I remember that for me to go to school was a nightmare, I used to cry every morning, I didn't want to be there.

Now I now why: first I had a teacher that used the old school methods, she was allways screaming and threatening, I used to be very scared of her, plus being surounded by all the kids with whom I didn't know how to stablish a relationship.

I grew up alone, I didn't have any friends, I didn't know how to make friends, I learned from my mother that people was dangerous... because of her agressivity towards me. Other people close to me like family where the same, I was allways beeing beat up or yelled up by others, just had an aunt that was trying to defend me from my mother.

I am just finding the reasons why I am affraid of people today? Why do I have Social Anxiety? Have you ever question yourself about it? What was it like when you were a child?

And this makes sense to me... Simple, I learned that the others were agressive and dangerous, unfortunatelly.

Will continue next time.