Born as a Child with Social Anxiety ?

Did you ever asked yourself what it was to be a child with SA? Can you recall it? Are we born with some type of Anxiety?

As I can recall, I was a “difficult child”, that’s what I was told, since the day of my birth, my mother had difficulties giving birth… I was too big, waited around 10 pounds; I was also a baby that had many problems adapting to eating and sleeping hours and was crying all the time.

I am not sure about my mother’s stage of mind during that time, haven’t asked her, but because of the way she treated me during my infancy (aggressiveness), I could tell she was really having lots of emotional problems, I still remember seeing her crying a lot of times at night, I didn’t know what was going on.

Anyways my point is to try to find out if we are born with some type of anxiety (genetic predisposition) or if it has to do with the upbringing and the relationship we establish with our first caretakers (parents). I believe in my case it had to do with both, but mostly because of the brutal education I received from my mother, if she would have been a calm mother, without the emotional problems she had, things would have been different.

I want to mention that I am writing this blog mostly as a healing process, I am looking for better ways to overcome my social anxiety (I refuse to call it “disorder”), it's a way for me to let things out. I have been feeling that sitting down to write about my emotions has helped me, it is relieving, it's a way to give a new order to my emotions.

Made New Discoveries about my own Social Anxiety (Childhood)

I have found some things that I think are important about the origins of my social anxiety. I discovered that when I get the *symptoms, is the little child I used to be that is present, that is what I used to feel when I was a kid, I was so scared in the presence of people, I just couldn't handle it.

I remember that when I started going to school, I was 4 years old, it was a difficult time for me, beeing in the presence of all this kids and teachers must of been really hard, so much that I used to pee and shit on my pants several times a week, and my teacher would have to call home so they would come to pick me up, I remember that the answer from my mother and others in my family was physical punishment and humiliations.

They didn't understand that I was horrified by the presence of all these people. See I develop social anxiety as far as I know because of that strange relationship with my mother, she was very agressive with me, she used to beat me up until she couldn't do it any more and then she would start crying in front of me telling me that I was guilty, my God, I was just 4 or 5 years old..., this happened for many years, several times a week, during my infancy.

So I found (in my therapy process) a connection between my social anxiety now and my childhood, now I know that all these feelings of anxiety are the ones I used to feel when I was a kid, and they came back hunting me 3 years ago, when I started to get the social anxiety sympthoms. The kid that didn't resolved the situation back then, came back to me. this is what I am struggling with right now.

Do you follow my story, is it confusing? Let me know.

Next post I will tell you what happend next, when I was 6 years old and after, so you kind of start having a better picture of my situation. Excuse my english again, hope is not to difficult for you to read it.

*Fear to people, some times I feel like my heart is beating too fast, sweaty hands, difficulty to talk, I even sometimes feel like I can't breath, I can't hold still my jaw, the general feeling is of a great fear, like when something bad is going to happen to you, that is what I feel when I am next to certain people.