My Social Life During Infancy

It's sad to think about my infancy, it was a difficult time, every time I think about it I realize that there were too many facts that drove me finally to be a socialy anxious person.

I am the oldest one of 3 brothers and an adopted sister. I was 5 years old when my first brother was born, so I was pretty much alone during these first five years, surrounded by adults: Mother, Father, Grandparents, Aunts, babysitters.

Just a few cousins of my age were part of my social life, my mother used to take me to their house, that was the only place I could stay, for some reason my mother thought I was ok there.

Each of us had always a function in the games, for example: My cousin John was usually the father (authority), my cousin Ann was always the mother, some times there was a couple more friends of my cousins with us, they would be their adults friends.

My role was always the son. I was usually beat up by them, assumed a passive role, and permitted every thing they said or else they would threaten not to play with me any more.

That is how I learned to establish relationships, I learned from the relationship with my mother that it was okay to be hurt by others, that the reason for me to be in life was to let others do with me what they wanted, I was an object of pleasure for everyone, that is how I assumed that my role in life.

So during my infancy at every game with any friends was the same situation, I was always the stupid kid, letting others do what they wanted, that was the only way I could have friends and be able to feel that I belonged to a group.

Uffff this is tough, is very painful to remember and to make conscious all these situations during my infancy. I asked myself, where were my parents that time? I really didn’t have anyone to protect me, or to show me the way to grow up in the world.

I know is good for me to let all these things come out, to be able to connect with the child I was, and let him come to me with all his emotions, maybe I can comfort him now, and tell him: It’s okay, nothing is going to happen to you anymore, nobody is going to hurt you again.

How were your relationships during your infancy with parents, family, friends? Can you connect any of these relationships with your social anxiety?

Again I excuse myself if somebody reads this blog, as you can tell English is not my first language but I try to do my best.